Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
