I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
