I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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