Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
