you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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