well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
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this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
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Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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