So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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