I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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