Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
