I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
