So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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