Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
