I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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