at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
