Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
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you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
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I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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