he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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