I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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