My nipple is on Facebook.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
