Ambien. No doubt about it.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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