I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
