she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize