I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
