Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
