I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
