I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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