My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
