you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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