Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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