I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
40s are totally the cure
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
