I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
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i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
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I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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