i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
