wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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