Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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