i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
operation have a gay friend backfired
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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