So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
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