He kissed a someone with a penis
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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