Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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