so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
