Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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