I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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