so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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