I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
