The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
i need some magic done to my vagina
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
