He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
