Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
