Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
