It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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