so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
