I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
