I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
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I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
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Well I just put wine in my tea
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
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