I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
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