i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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