the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
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winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
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I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
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