first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
