guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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