new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
