I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
